Conscious vs. unconscious behavior

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the perceived motivation behind behaviors people exhibit toward one another. I have seen this come up with couples where they end up coming to therapy because they are experiencing a lot of antagonism from one another. Most of the time, I don't find that they *want* to antagonize each another, though that is what ends up happening. I don't believe that most people--unless they are sociopaths--want to antagonize other people, so what is happening in these situations?

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