"I don't know" and "I don't care"

"I don't know" and "I don't care"

"I don't know" and "I don't care" are two phrases that I have heard a lot in the therapy office. I don't say *my* therapy office because I have heard these come out of my mouth in my own analysis. What I have tried to do for myself and what I encourage my clients to do is to pause when they think or say either of things and ask: "Do I *really* not know?" or "Do I *really* not care?" More often than not, the answer to either or both of these questions is "No, I do know or I do care."

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From Mating in Captivity

"Sex is not a metaphor for a relationship, it's a parallel narrative. It speaks its own language. Love and desire are two different languages. We would like to think that they flow from each other. While love and desire relate, they also conflict. Love thrives in an atmosphere of reciprocity, protection , and congruence. Desire is more selfish. In fact, at times, the very elements that nurture love: comfort, stability, safety, for example, can extinguish desire.
Love seeks closeness, but desire needs space to thrive."

--Esther Perel

A conversation--with your consent--about consent.

A friend posted an article about Cuddle Party which got me thinking about consent in its many forms. The article explores the author's experience at a Cuddle Party and is a reflection of my experience at Cuddle Party in general. How do I know about Cuddle Party? I was in the initial beta-test of their facilitator training in 2005 and if they have been consistent--and it seems that they have--over the last more than a decade then they provide the opportunity for a great conversation and experience regarding consent and touch and consent in general. In the article and at the event, one thing that the discussion stresses that I particularly value is this: "Say 'yes' if you are a yes, say 'no' if you are a no, and, if you are a maybe, say 'no' and you can always change your answer later."

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Do you want to be uncomfortable now . . . or later?

This afternoon, I was interviewed for an upcoming book on relationships and one of my favorite sayings, one that seems to come up with almost every client (and more than a few friends, colleagues, and acquaintances), came up. The saying is "Life is uncomfortable. You can be uncomfortable now on your terms or uncomfortable later on someone else's terms." I can't honestly remember if I saw this somewhere or if I coined it. I have a feeling that others have used something similar however I have gotten a great reaction to saying it this way.

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Conscious vs. unconscious behavior

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the perceived motivation behind behaviors people exhibit toward one another. I have seen this come up with couples where they end up coming to therapy because they are experiencing a lot of antagonism from one another. Most of the time, I don't find that they *want* to antagonize each another, though that is what ends up happening. I don't believe that most people--unless they are sociopaths--want to antagonize other people, so what is happening in these situations?

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